Category Archives: News

Not a Denzel Washington Blog

If I was to ever commit a crime (again) depending on its magnitude I think I could get away with it. I figure most people could. With all the TV shows and movies coming out these days where the bad guy actually wins, it’s giving plenty of ideas to the dumb ass criminals of the world.

 

Watching the “Inside Man” the other day I came out of watching that movie thinking I could easily rob a bank, but then I thought “I’m not Clive Owen” and there are actually thousands of cops out there with the skills that Denzel Washington had in that movie. Too bad there aren’t as many actors that have Denzel’s skills….

I’m looking at you Tyler Perry….

 

 

 
get your shit together.

But this isn’t a discussion about Denzel; well actually this isn’t a discussion at all.

I think of it more as me just shouting at a wall and if there happens to be someone listening on the other side of that wall than, what’s wrong with that person?

Ok again, this isn’t a blog about Denzel, although….

 

NO! Get a grip, Chase. Ok, so…..ah where was I? YES, TVs shows with smart criminals…I feel like TV shows that show how crimes go down, might spark a bunch of moron copycats. After all, most of those shows go into great detail and even go as far as interviewing the criminal and ask him how he did and even WHERE WE WENT WRONG!

I know that there are convicts in a prison somewhere watching these shows with a pad of paper and pen thinking “OHHH, leaving DNA everywhere can be a bad thing! I better keep it in my pants next time.”

This thought startled me, thinking that criminals will start outsmarting the coppers but then I got a grip and realized that those criminals are going to need something first before they attempt an elaborate heist.

What you say?

A Gun, perhaps…

 

 

Nope.

A getaway car, possibly?

 

 

 
Nope.

Intelligence, my friend, intelligence. Being able to construct a decent plan begins with being able to speak correctly…or “talk smart-like” for all you convicts out there.

These shows aren’t THAT bad than, I enjoy watching CSI sometimes. Mostly just during the day, I find that there’s a glare on my TV during the day and when I watch shows like CSI and Law and Order the glare makes it look like I’m in the TV show.

So during the interrogation scenes I can pretend to be the good cop while Ice-T gives the “perp” the stink eye….

and yes, I have a lot of time on my hands.

Even though I assume that there are a bunch of stupid criminals out there, which there are……

except for Denzel…

 

 

 
FOCUS!

There are actually quite a bit of dumb cops.

“Blasphemy!” you say, I’m here to tell you, friend, that there very well may be!

By the way, I’d like to point out (for those of you still reading) that half the time I have no idea what my blog is going to be about until I’m about 3 quarters of the way through it, but I think that is accurately reflected in my writing. This particular blog was originally going to be about people trying to copycat other criminals and failing horribly but now it’s going to finish with a story about slacker cops.

 

 

So these cops got a case about a year back where a woman was killed, not going to say how cause…quite frankly, it was gross. The cops had everything they needed, or at least all the coppers on TV need; DNA, shoe prints and even finger prints! So what’s the issue? Well they probably don’t possess the same technology than the TV shows do, cause that shit doesn’t exist.

The cops then sat on this info, waiting for a tip to come in….waiting….waiting…ok now a year later and they think “ok maybe we should ask the public what they know.” Soooo NOW, they have released info about the murder and what happens?

Think about it.

What would be the ONE thing that could happen that would make the coppers look like dumbasses?

Well the murderer? He turned himself in.

Yep, the guy would have probably brought himself in sooner if the cops would have just trusted the public a little bit. I mean, why do you even bother asking for tips from the public if you don’t release any info.

That’s kind of like going over the air waves and saying “There’s a lost person out there and we need help to find him, except I won’t tell you what the boy, OR GIRL, looks like or where it exactly happened.”

So let that be a lesson all you cops that read this blog, don’t bother reading blogs that are written by a half-baked copy writer living in a town that has fewer people living in it than the amount of people inside the Eaton Centre at any given moment.

And now a salute to my favorite police officer…

 

 

 

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Apples and Oranges

I remember when the first iPod came out, they used to be those big ass ones that were roughly the size of a box of Kraft Dinner and usually weighed the size of bag of apples (see what I did there?). The only people I saw owning an iPod were a “select” group of people, and by “select”, I mean the kids with the rich-ass parents.

I never understood why the iPod’s were so much better than my dinky little Samsung mp3 player was, but then I saw 50 Cent in a music video and understood what the appeal was…it was gangsta.

Just like baggy clothes, dew rags, watermelons and the word “fah-sizzle”, this product must have become popular because the African-American community embraced it.

No, I don’t actually think that….the iPod part…the watermelon part is completely true.

I still don’t understand why they became so popular. I know why they ARE popular now, but what made them the monopoly they are today? For a while, they were just there and then, it seemed over-night that they took off like a dude that just snatched your purse. All of a sudden, they were fuckin everywhere and just like any other person on this god-forsaken continent, I felt the need to own the hell out of one.

I first got an iPod that was one of those 8 GB Nano’s. I thought, “This is the best thing ever! They will never be able to top this incredible piece of technology!”


Boy, was I wrong.

Apple has to be one of the most intelligent companies around. They convince the stubborn people of this world that they DO need to spend more and more money on the same product ever 365 days, sometimes even sooner.

I know a guy that I would consider the cheapest guy I know, that will remain nameless. Paul was so cheap that I’m pretty sure unplugs the clocks when he goes to bed. He is an Apple nut, he buys all the shit they put out. He was the only guy that I knew that owned one of those lame ass Mac Air books, or whatever the hell they were called, and also the only guy that defended it’s pointlessness. This proved to me that the world has become apple-dependent.

They say “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But what they actually mean is “An Apple product ever 365th day, keep the hipsters at bay”


Now honestly, it wasn’t that surprising that Steve Jobs passed away, I mean it sucks, but really who didn’t see that coming? Even if you haven’t seen a recent picture of him you must have known that a little while ago he stepped down as Apple CEO. Right there you should have realized “Well, he’s on his way out.”

No body gives up a multi-billion dollar enterprise like that.

I mean I would, if I got all the money. I could do what everyone always wishes they could do….what ever person out there works day-in and day-out so they can one day do.

Absolutely nothing.

I wouldn’t just do nothing, I would do so little that I actually start to deteriorate into a puddle of plasma TV’s and gold bricks.

If I had Steve Jobs’ money, like say some guy calls me and tells me I’m Steve Jobs long-lost son and I have inherited his fortune. Sure my whole life would have been a lie but I would be loaded so who gives a shit.

First, I would buy an elephant and name it Dumbo. Second, develop a trampoline that can withstand 100 people jumping on it. Next, I would pay a 100 people to jump on a giant trampoline with Dumbo.

Chaos….so much fun to watch…

Amirite?

Seriously though I have no idea what I would do if I had that kind of money. Probably go crazy. I mean literally insane, I would go on a money spending tangent which would eventually lead me in a wild car chase, that I would’ve started just to see if the cops could catch me in my pimped out ice cream truck.

Only a man of great integrity and will power could have that kind of money and not have gone crazy. That alone tells me that Steve Jobs was an O.K guy.

Hey Steve Jobs…


You’re ok.


Smokey Smokerson

They say, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” I say “Where’s there smoke, there’s someone enjoying their lunch break.”

 

 

Smoking is bad. Let me just say that right of the bat. No one should smoke. I feel even the people who do smoke, wish they didn’t and if you’re perfectly content with being a smoker…than bully for you.
Smokers make up roughly a quarter of the nation’s population, which is half of what it used to be half a century ago.

What changed?

Was it because the prices increased?

 


“We want more Money….”

Was it influenced by Smokey the bear?

 

Maybe it was just because they eventually realized its super fucking bad for you.

I wonder why it took so long to make that connection between tobacco and well, death. I mean people have been smoking tobacco for centuries. One of the first records of tobacco use was in the 16th century by the Ottoman Empire in Turkey. So it’s nothing new, but people didn’t recognize it for being bad to your health until just over 50 years ago.

It’s not like the symptoms of smoking are subtle or anything. When you smoke, you can usually see your health dwindling away. Kind of like being fat! You can’t run as far/fast, coughing out gross shit and if you’re so obvious that none of that phased you…you HAD to have noticed its addictive nature.

 

Regardless of why it took so long for people to realize smoking causes health problems; everyone is well aware now. And if you’re a smoker and you’re not aware of this, than that ain’t tobacco you’re smoking…

 

So…just to stress my point; smoking IS bad. I’m not proud to say I’m a smoker, I’m somewhat embarrassed to say I’m a smoker but that’s what I am.

As a smoker I feel like there’s been many laws in the past couple decades to basically shut the smoking population out of many places…which is good! If I was a non-smoker I obviously wouldn’t want other people smoking up a storm in movie theatres and in restaurants etc. So it totally makes sense to have smoking areas and smoking patios because the majority of those “smoking” places are outside, in the open and with plenty of fresh air to dilute the smoke.

Now, this is where shit gets ridiculous!

Not knowing what it’s really like from a non-smoker perspective I may just be talking out my own ass on this but when I first heard about this I was kind of upset.

There’s recently been a push in the Grey and Bruce Counties to pass bylaws to completely restrict smoking at many places where before there was just “smoking areas”. These places include ball diamonds, soccer fields and even bar patios!

What. The. Fuck!

When there’s no smoking indoors, that’s cool. No smoking in cars with kids, that’s definitely cool. No smoking with 15 feet of public door ways, ok that still makes sense I guess.  But now, there’s not even smoking allowed outside!

OUTSIDE!

Where the fuck are we allowed to smoke than?

I mean we either have to find a way to suspend ourselves 50 feet in the air or we have to home, climb under a blanket to smoke up…and that’s just a fire hazard waiting to happen.

What they’re doing is limiting children from seeing older people smoke, because the kids would be then more likely to smoke themselves when they get older. So even though I feel that it’s the kids fucking decision what they do when they get older, I still understand that they just trying to have a healthier population.

BUT…

If that’s the case than let’s not serve beer in public because then the kids could become alcoholics.

Or how bout banning strip clubs and Hooters so that girls don’t have the option of becoming strippers when they grow up?

Ok it sounds like I’m playing the devils advocate here but all I’m saying is that sweeping shit like this under a rug isn’t going to solve anything. How about instead of forcing the smoking population into a dark corner they make parents talk to their kids about smoking and discuss the health issues that stem from it.

That way the kids can make up their own minds.

What do you think?


Miserable ol’ M.E. (Mother Earth)

In no offense to my lady fans, which I’m pretty sure only consists of just Lisa and Janel, I would like to point out that SOME women out there play out their gender to get whatever they want.

These girls are often referred to as Gold-diggers…I call them “resourceful”. At least they know how to work with what god gave ’em.

 

It’s the women who play up their gender to fuck with other people’s shit I dislike.

 For example: the women who complain that they can’t lift as much as the men on the construction site but then turn around and expect to get paid the same amount as the guys  who are doing twice the work as they are.

 

There’s a saying “Women all want equality…until the ships going down”

And keep in mind, I don’t feel this way about the majority of women but just the ones who tend to overact to simple conflicts.

Like this woman…

So, what brought all this hate of mine on?

I’ll tell you why! There was a woman this past weekend that fucked over A LOT of people and can be referred to as an unreasonable, miserable bitch…

Who is she?

Mother Nature!

SFX: *THUNDER*

 

 

Just like all the other disasters that have occurred over the past couple years; like Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Japan, the Manitoba floods and the most recent one from just last weekend…the Goderich Tornado.

Not to mention the so-called “earthquake” that apparently everyone felt except for me. I may have been shaking at that moment and the earthquake counteracted that to make me think I was sitting still…who knows?

ANNNNYWAYS…

I would first like to say that I feel for all the people affected by the tornado. It was a terrible thing to happen to very innocent people. My thoughts are with all the people involved in this horrible situation.

I often think about how I would react if I was caught up in the middle of a tornado.

I would like to think I would be the guy kicking down doors and saving people by bringing them to some kind of storm shelter, but I think I would be more panicked about what’s going to happen to my iPhone 4.

It’s bad, I know, but that goes to show you the bravery of the people who showed up to show their support ; all the emergency response units that risked their lives by going into places the majority of us are too afraid to go.

 

 

Here’s my Jerry Seinfeld moment of the day….What’s the Deal with all this shitty weather?

 

I guess I don’t really follow severe weather trends so I don’t really know what kind of disasters that occurred in the past century but I want to go out on a limb here and say that recently there’s been an increase in shitty weather.

I’ve heard all the theories; it’s 2012, it’s the rapture, it’s global warming, it’s Y2k, it’s the Matrix! Etc etc.

So I want to send a personal note out the Mother Nature; chill the fuck out and try smoking some of that good shit you created.

 


Excuse me while I kiss the sky

Today marks the anniversary that the US shot the first manned space shuttle into space.

Or today is the anniversary of when the government lied their fuckin asses off…

Whether you think that man actually walked on moon or not; I think there’s something that we can all agree on…

Rockets are badass!

Just look at this…

 

Rockets make it possible to strap a dude’s ass to a chair and launch into the oblivion!

Astronauts are crazy for being totally cool with that. I mean I would like to be in that interview…

“So we’d like to stick in this chair, that’s inside of a giant tube, that’s filled with thousands of gallons of gas, and we’re sending you to a place where air doesn’t exist and there’s a chance your head will literally explode. How does that sound?”

“Sir, I think I just shit myself…”

In the past year the space shuttle program has begun its retirement, which basically means there won’t be a person in outer space for a while, at least 5 years. NASA will still be around launching random shit into the air so it’s not like we’ve given up on finding ET’s home, it’s just America doesn’t plan on spending billions of dollars a year on shooting people into space.
It’s crazy how much they spend on this program anyways, so it’s probably for the best. In 2009 alone their overall budget was 17.6 billion dollars!

God dammmmn that’s a lot of zeros! If I had that kind of money I wouldn’t be trying to send some asshole to space, I would be more worried about how many cars I can drop from an airplane before I got bored…

 

good thing I’m not actually president.

But back to my main question; is the moon landing fake or did it exactly happen?

 

Well one thing is for sure…I don’t give a rat’s ass.

I really don’t understand why people go through all this trouble to get up there. Are we trying to send people there to live?

WHO THE SHIT WOULD WANNA LIVE THERE?

Rich people? I doubt it. I bet most celebrities can’t go a day without an espresso, try going a life-time without civilization…

Astronauts? Maybe, but isn’t the big draw of this job getting all the earth chicks you want?

Politicians? Well maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea…

Are we trying to discover if there’s life on other planets? Obviously there is! If you believe that we are the only life forms in the entire universe made up of millions of planets and galaxies that are 1000 times larger than our planet….than you’re the definition of “shit for brains”.

And it’s not like I think that there are aliens out there, or at least aliens that look like the ones from the movies.

Aliens probably look more like this…


Fake or not; don’t tell Buzz Aldrin (the second man on the moon) that the moon landing was fake. He’ll fucking knock you out.

Check out this video of dumbass, Bart Sibrel, trying to confront Buzz…

(skip to 1:20 for the good part or if you’re just inpatient)

 

 


Mail Wars 2: Harper Strikes Mail-Strike right back

In your face Canada Post! You think you can strike on us? Fuck you! We’re locking you out!

 


Wait…

Does that mean we’re not going to get ANY mail?

Shit!

Ok, before I thought this strike wasn’t going to be a HUGE deal…now I’m starting to reconsider.

While before it was just a rotating strike, only affecting certain cities and certain times, it’s now turned into a full-on stoppage in mail. Now from my perspective it doesn’t really matter. I deal with all my bills online so I can take care of that there. I don’t really get mail from friends and family members, most of them have learned how to work a computer/cell phone by now. Junk mail? Well that’s the only thing I’m going to get hurt on…I friggin love being pre-approved for stuff!

The guys in charge over there at Canada Post took action last Tuesday in issuing  a lock-out at all Canada Post offices. Stephen Harper and the rest of his minions are also working out a “Get-the-fuck-back-to-work” plan to try to get our mail back in our mailboxes.

This coming just in time, since the US Post has recently stated they will no longer be sending mail or parcels to Canadian addresses.

So don’t worry, hopefully this all be over before you miss your monthly subscription to “Thursday” magazine…

 

Now I never really mentioned why the union ended up striking and luckily I watch the Rick Mercer report so I got this covered.

Ok well I don’t really watch Rick Mercer but I read his blog…

Ok well I don’t really READ his blogs but I glance…

OK SHIT! I don’t glance, but I definitely know who he is…maybe….I wanna say he has something to do with hair products?

ANNNNYWAYS…

Basically the Post Office workers are upset about of couple things; one of which being the “Modernization” of dozen or so letter sorting facilities. “Modernization” called for the upgrade of a lot of the equipment, which sounds great! But for feeble old workers on the line, that means an increase in work productivity, since the machine will be spitting out more letters than the previous method.

So basically it’s the Canadian Post trying to say “Move it or lose it, grandpa!”

The union of the Canada Post is also pushing for an increase in wages…
Now I’m just a simple writer for a radio station, I don’t make much, $$$-wise. It’s not the most labor-intensive job but when I heard that mailmen’s (and mailwomen’s…gotta be equal) starting wage is 23 bucks…I thought “GAWD DAMN LOCH NESS MONSTA I AINT GIVING YOU NO TREEEE-FITTY RAISE”.

 

 

23 bucks an hour is pretty good but the union is pushing to get a 3.3 percent raise over the next 4 years.
But what they aren’t probably aware of is that there’s a REEEEECESSSION. A lot of people out there are over-worked, under-paid. So suck it up.

I also found out that since 2006 the amount of letter mail has declined 17 percent!

So just be lucky you have a job, Ethel!

 

So at this point we have Stephen Harper, the Canadian post in one corner and we have the union in the other.

Who will win?

I think it’s obvious…

 

Me! (pic related).


Riot Like a Boss!

“Why is the government always trying to keep us down? Using over a million dollars to throw us a big party and to set up a HUGE screen TV for us to watch the Stanley cup final on? Just who do they think they are? Let fucking RIOT!”

Over a thousand people in Vancouver must have had this is their head last night.

I mean….with all the countries that are being oppressed and choose to riot…we riot when our hockey team loses in the Stanley cup final.

I mean it’s ridiculous…

Your team finished first in the league at the end of the season and made it all the way to the end of the playoffs. You should be proud of that and it’s not like it’s all over! You still have next year! Think about what Toronto is going through and you throw a temper tantrum when Luongo let’s in a couple of cheesers?

bullshit…

Here are some pics snapped by some brave dumbass’ last night in Vancouver.


” Look ma, I’m on TV!”


Tim Thomas’ brother enjoying the Vancouver nightlife.

“Has anyone seen my car? It’s a white Dodge neon.”

 

“Easy guys, I’m just looking for my car. Seen it?”

 

 

Kurt Cobain IS alive!

 

Is that Duke Nukem kicking that guys ass?

“You just got knocked DA FUCK OUT!”


“I know I parked my car around here somewhere…”

 


I get knocked down, but I get up again….

 

Check out this epic nut-shot from last night.