Category Archives: Entertainment

Not a Denzel Washington Blog

If I was to ever commit a crime (again) depending on its magnitude I think I could get away with it. I figure most people could. With all the TV shows and movies coming out these days where the bad guy actually wins, it’s giving plenty of ideas to the dumb ass criminals of the world.

 

Watching the “Inside Man” the other day I came out of watching that movie thinking I could easily rob a bank, but then I thought “I’m not Clive Owen” and there are actually thousands of cops out there with the skills that Denzel Washington had in that movie. Too bad there aren’t as many actors that have Denzel’s skills….

I’m looking at you Tyler Perry….

 

 

 
get your shit together.

But this isn’t a discussion about Denzel; well actually this isn’t a discussion at all.

I think of it more as me just shouting at a wall and if there happens to be someone listening on the other side of that wall than, what’s wrong with that person?

Ok again, this isn’t a blog about Denzel, although….

 

NO! Get a grip, Chase. Ok, so…..ah where was I? YES, TVs shows with smart criminals…I feel like TV shows that show how crimes go down, might spark a bunch of moron copycats. After all, most of those shows go into great detail and even go as far as interviewing the criminal and ask him how he did and even WHERE WE WENT WRONG!

I know that there are convicts in a prison somewhere watching these shows with a pad of paper and pen thinking “OHHH, leaving DNA everywhere can be a bad thing! I better keep it in my pants next time.”

This thought startled me, thinking that criminals will start outsmarting the coppers but then I got a grip and realized that those criminals are going to need something first before they attempt an elaborate heist.

What you say?

A Gun, perhaps…

 

 

Nope.

A getaway car, possibly?

 

 

 
Nope.

Intelligence, my friend, intelligence. Being able to construct a decent plan begins with being able to speak correctly…or “talk smart-like” for all you convicts out there.

These shows aren’t THAT bad than, I enjoy watching CSI sometimes. Mostly just during the day, I find that there’s a glare on my TV during the day and when I watch shows like CSI and Law and Order the glare makes it look like I’m in the TV show.

So during the interrogation scenes I can pretend to be the good cop while Ice-T gives the “perp” the stink eye….

and yes, I have a lot of time on my hands.

Even though I assume that there are a bunch of stupid criminals out there, which there are……

except for Denzel…

 

 

 
FOCUS!

There are actually quite a bit of dumb cops.

“Blasphemy!” you say, I’m here to tell you, friend, that there very well may be!

By the way, I’d like to point out (for those of you still reading) that half the time I have no idea what my blog is going to be about until I’m about 3 quarters of the way through it, but I think that is accurately reflected in my writing. This particular blog was originally going to be about people trying to copycat other criminals and failing horribly but now it’s going to finish with a story about slacker cops.

 

 

So these cops got a case about a year back where a woman was killed, not going to say how cause…quite frankly, it was gross. The cops had everything they needed, or at least all the coppers on TV need; DNA, shoe prints and even finger prints! So what’s the issue? Well they probably don’t possess the same technology than the TV shows do, cause that shit doesn’t exist.

The cops then sat on this info, waiting for a tip to come in….waiting….waiting…ok now a year later and they think “ok maybe we should ask the public what they know.” Soooo NOW, they have released info about the murder and what happens?

Think about it.

What would be the ONE thing that could happen that would make the coppers look like dumbasses?

Well the murderer? He turned himself in.

Yep, the guy would have probably brought himself in sooner if the cops would have just trusted the public a little bit. I mean, why do you even bother asking for tips from the public if you don’t release any info.

That’s kind of like going over the air waves and saying “There’s a lost person out there and we need help to find him, except I won’t tell you what the boy, OR GIRL, looks like or where it exactly happened.”

So let that be a lesson all you cops that read this blog, don’t bother reading blogs that are written by a half-baked copy writer living in a town that has fewer people living in it than the amount of people inside the Eaton Centre at any given moment.

And now a salute to my favorite police officer…

 

 

 

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Apples and Oranges

I remember when the first iPod came out, they used to be those big ass ones that were roughly the size of a box of Kraft Dinner and usually weighed the size of bag of apples (see what I did there?). The only people I saw owning an iPod were a “select” group of people, and by “select”, I mean the kids with the rich-ass parents.

I never understood why the iPod’s were so much better than my dinky little Samsung mp3 player was, but then I saw 50 Cent in a music video and understood what the appeal was…it was gangsta.

Just like baggy clothes, dew rags, watermelons and the word “fah-sizzle”, this product must have become popular because the African-American community embraced it.

No, I don’t actually think that….the iPod part…the watermelon part is completely true.

I still don’t understand why they became so popular. I know why they ARE popular now, but what made them the monopoly they are today? For a while, they were just there and then, it seemed over-night that they took off like a dude that just snatched your purse. All of a sudden, they were fuckin everywhere and just like any other person on this god-forsaken continent, I felt the need to own the hell out of one.

I first got an iPod that was one of those 8 GB Nano’s. I thought, “This is the best thing ever! They will never be able to top this incredible piece of technology!”


Boy, was I wrong.

Apple has to be one of the most intelligent companies around. They convince the stubborn people of this world that they DO need to spend more and more money on the same product ever 365 days, sometimes even sooner.

I know a guy that I would consider the cheapest guy I know, that will remain nameless. Paul was so cheap that I’m pretty sure unplugs the clocks when he goes to bed. He is an Apple nut, he buys all the shit they put out. He was the only guy that I knew that owned one of those lame ass Mac Air books, or whatever the hell they were called, and also the only guy that defended it’s pointlessness. This proved to me that the world has become apple-dependent.

They say “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But what they actually mean is “An Apple product ever 365th day, keep the hipsters at bay”


Now honestly, it wasn’t that surprising that Steve Jobs passed away, I mean it sucks, but really who didn’t see that coming? Even if you haven’t seen a recent picture of him you must have known that a little while ago he stepped down as Apple CEO. Right there you should have realized “Well, he’s on his way out.”

No body gives up a multi-billion dollar enterprise like that.

I mean I would, if I got all the money. I could do what everyone always wishes they could do….what ever person out there works day-in and day-out so they can one day do.

Absolutely nothing.

I wouldn’t just do nothing, I would do so little that I actually start to deteriorate into a puddle of plasma TV’s and gold bricks.

If I had Steve Jobs’ money, like say some guy calls me and tells me I’m Steve Jobs long-lost son and I have inherited his fortune. Sure my whole life would have been a lie but I would be loaded so who gives a shit.

First, I would buy an elephant and name it Dumbo. Second, develop a trampoline that can withstand 100 people jumping on it. Next, I would pay a 100 people to jump on a giant trampoline with Dumbo.

Chaos….so much fun to watch…

Amirite?

Seriously though I have no idea what I would do if I had that kind of money. Probably go crazy. I mean literally insane, I would go on a money spending tangent which would eventually lead me in a wild car chase, that I would’ve started just to see if the cops could catch me in my pimped out ice cream truck.

Only a man of great integrity and will power could have that kind of money and not have gone crazy. That alone tells me that Steve Jobs was an O.K guy.

Hey Steve Jobs…


You’re ok.


Video killed the Radio Star

I have a profound love for music. Let’s just say if music was a person; I’d take it out for a nice lobster dinner, take it home and cuddle with it all night…and not even tell it to GTFO the next morning.

The only thing that matches my love for music is my hatred for Ketchup…

I feel that music can be seen in many different lights…

For example when you’ve had the fuckin worse day of your life; you got fired, you’re girlfriend cheated on you with the guy from the burger king commercials and you just realized you stepped in a big pile of shit but when you get home, throw on some (insert favorite band here) and relax, you kind of forget how miserable life can be.

 

Then on the other had music can be your worst enemy, like when you’re driving with a younger sister or nephew and you have to listen to The Wiggles featuring Justin Bieber.

 

Music can also be used as a defensive tactic. I don’t know if any of you have used this method before but it works. After riding public transit for about 3 years, I’ve seen some pretty odd-looking characters. The best way to avoid awkward conversations with these people is to have your headphones in, music up and eyes forward. I’ve seen some of the most awkward of conversation go on right in front of me because some guy didn’t think to bring an iPod with him on the bus. This also works with homeless people on the street asking for booze money.

 

 

Music has changed tremendously over the years. If you listen to some of the classic rock tunes from 3 or 4 decades ago and compare it to the shit that is equally as “popular”, not “good”…”popular”, you’ll find that today’s music fuckin sucks. And I don’t want to be the douchey hipster guy who says stuff like “they were so much better when they weren’t mainstream” or “music is suppose to be vintage” but really, if you compare one of the more popular Canadian rock band today…

 


And compare it to music played from bands at the top of the Canadian charts 30 years ago…

 

You’ll clearly see we’ve dropped our standards.

With all these changes to music they’ve been new types of music being created as old genres of music just aren’t as big as they were 20 years ago, for example…

Dubstep, although very simple (and very strange) music has grown pretty popular where hair metal seems to be only used in comedies referring to the 80’s.

One music corporation that has been successful in consisting selling out to whatever type of music that is popular at that time is MTV.

 

 
MTV recently celebrated 30 years of being on air. That’s 30 years of flip-flopping on what format of music to play every 4 or 5 years, but I guess that’s what it takes to keep with the times. MTV seems to be the trend setters for most other music TV channels, for example; remember when Much Music was good?

Yes, I know that was a long time ago but if you reach into the hazy section in your memory bank, just pass the Pogs and to the left of Captain Planet you’ll find a small little spec of television brilliance that was once Much Music.

But back to MTV, they have evolved into a god-forsaken, bullshit reality TV playing, product placing, teen-pregnancy promoting SUCCUBUS!

 

 
But what do I know; I don’t even watch MTV. All I know is that any group of people who decide giving these assholes a TV shows for 3 consecutive years….

 

deserves to have their corn flakes pissed on.

In honor of a time that has almost been long forgotten, I’ve found a video clip of the first ten minutes of when MTV first launched back on Saturday, August 1st 1981.  Enjoy.

 

 


Road Trippin’

There’s nothing quite like a good rood trip; out the road with a couple of buddies, shooting the shit, listening to some good tunes and blaming your farts on manure out in the fields.

On the other hand though, there’s nothing shittier than driving for an extended amount of time on your own. 

It’s boring, lonely, and no one laughs at your farts that sound like when you jump in Super Mario…

Since I live in a remote city like Wingham, I often have to drive to different towns to enjoy some bigger city living…including strip clubs.

So when I am on the road and on my own I try to come up with ways to pass the time.

Recently I had a short drive back to Wingham from London and I bored out of my fuckin skull. I remember thinking “How in the hell do truckers do this for a living?”


I have a theory that the only people who can be a trucker, driving for countless hours in complete quiet. That one type of person would be the guys that have the wives that just don’t shut up…

gab-gab-gab-gab
So much so that the only escape is driving an 18-wheeler half way across the country and back.


I’m much like those women; I don’t shut up. As you can probably tell from my blogs, it’s hard for me to stop talking, even if I’m not talking about anything in particular. Most of time I don’t even know where I’m driving the conversation, until we get there and it doesn’t make any sense at all….Cantaloupe. 

ANNNNNYWAYS…  

What I’m trying to get at here is the most important part of a road trip, whether you’re with someone else or not, is definitely the music…

Here are some of the tunes that are perfect while out cruising on the open road…  

Runnin’ down a dream- Tom Petty

The guitar rift alone is why this song should be on your iPod playlist. Plus the song’s lyrics are pretty much about some badass road trip that him a buddy “dell” went on. So now I have to find a friend named dell and go on an epic road trip.

Tiny dancer- Elton John

If you’ve seen Almost Famous you know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.

Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen

Everyone knows the lyrics. Everyone sings the lyrics. Everyone head bangs like there’s no tomorrow at the same part of the song.

 

 

Born to be Wild- Steppenwolf

This only applies if you’re having a road trip on a Harley while wearing Jack Nicholson as a backpack.

What’s your road trip song?





Is that a joystick in your pocket…

 

 

Ever since I was young enough to tell the difference between the A and B button is pretty much how long I’ve been playing video games.
Everything from Battletoads…

 


to Super smash bros….

 

 

to Call of Duty.

 

I’ve done the math and roughly the time I’ve spent  playing video games is equal to the time it would take for me to hopscotch the Grand Canyon, build a fully functional car out of toothpicks, bitch slap every citizen of Edmonton and learn a new language, twice…

Yes, it is very obvious that I’ve spent a lot of time playing video games but was it a complete waste?

Yes. Well kinda….but pretty much.

There’s a lot to say on the negatives of video games but I’m going to go the other way and further prove that video games aren’t a COMPLETE waste of time.

For one, if you’re an avid video gamer than what do you do with your time other than video games?

 

Read?

 

Exercise?

 

Fuck that, what else? Oh you’d go to the mall or go watch a movie?

Well shit, there’s my first point!

Keep in mind, I’m one broke mother fucker and most nights I don’t have money to go out. So what do I do when I’m home? Something productive would be the best suggestion but what if I just worked 10 hours and I want to just kind of “chill out”?

Nothing says relaxation like blowing the head off a Nazi Zombie…

 

So video gaming CAN save you money… just don’t turn around and spend that money on food, fatty.

 

Now what if you’re socially awkward? Like this guy…

 

He’s the type of guy that had to stay in the game room at elementary school dances. He never really learned how to make friends without having to send a request first. How does he fill his time? How does he meet people just like him? Usually video games, sure, it’s not the best way to further your social skills. But it’s better than being all depressed and emo…

There’s a saying that I’ve heard from time to time in regards to video gamers…

“You don’t really know someone til you hear them on Xbox live.”

 

People can turn from being completely courteous and friendly in reality but then when they jump on Xbox Live it turns into a slightly greasier version of Dr.Jekell and Mr.Hyde.
Maybe Xbox live is also a good outlet for rage issues. Let try giving psychopathic killers a copy of Gears of War and let’em go nuts!

I bet they’d turn into decent members of society….or maybe not.

Next time I bring up video gaming, I’ll be mentioning the other side of video gaming….the ugly side.


The very ugly side….


Everyday I be Stumblin’

Do you ever find yourself aimlessly surfing the web, looking for nothing specific.

In case you ever want to change it up from the usually Facebook/Porn Hub stop offs on the interwebz; I suggest acquiring this web tool for just such an occasion.

It’s called Stumble Upon.

Did you ever wonder “Jeez, that Cam Chase fella is awfully resourceful!”?

No?

Well if you did, it’s only because I steal literally every pointless fact I know from the Stumble Upon.

It’s basically a website where you can go and set preferences for shit that you like to read about on the internet.

What? You’re illiterate?!

Just in case you don’t know how to read; you can also “stumble upon” pics and videos that you’d probably never see…unless someone at work forwarded you a YouTube link.

So give it shot!

Go here: http://www.stumbleupon.com/

Start an account and download the toolbar.

Then anytime you’re bored online just click that little button and it’ll take you to the most random and fun-as-shit websites out there.

I’ve been stumbling since high school and I have over 60k stumbles in my account history. I’m always finding new things to check out, like this pretty interesting list of different movies that were edited because of the 9/11 terrorists attacks…

Men in Black II featured a climax that included the World Trade Center. The building was changed to the Statue of Liberty.

– The ending Lilo and Stitch was edited from Stitch taking a 747 on a joyride and swerving around buildings, to Stitch taking a spaceship on a joyride and swerving around mountains.

The Bourne Identity had to be greatly edited due to the involvement of terrorism in the storyline.

The Incredibles featured a scene where a frustrated Mr. Incredible vents his emotions on an abandoned building, but ends up accidentally damaging a neighboring building as well. This was considered too reminiscent of the World Trade Center collapse, and was replaced with a scene where Mr. Incredible and Frozone rescue trapped civilians from a burning building.

Pretty cool right?

This is just one example of pointless (yet interesting) knowledge that you’d acquire from “Stumbling”

So do et!


Art of Persuasion 4: The Art of Conclusion

In most cases; series should never go beyond 3 parts; Indiana Jones 4 was terrible, Harry potter books burnt out after the Prisoner of Azkaban and did anyone even watch the last 3 seasons of Lost?

But in the case of this blog I’m willing to make an exception.

I’m NOT saying that it won’t be terrible; I’m just giving you guys a heads up…

AANNNYWAYS…

For anyone that’s been to the website failblog.org, you’ve seen the majority of the world Fail. That’s what most people do best, like this guy…


Along with people, advertising campaigns are very susceptible to failing.

A good example of this is a campaign that didn’t come out too long ago but failed so quickly most people might have not even noticed it.

McDonald’s.


Who the fuck doesn’t eat that garbage? That corporation makes so much money every SECOND that they can afford to throw out a million jingles/commercial/poster each week. And if a couple of them bomb, no worries, they can open up another 100 branches in America and make back their money.

Back in 2005 McDonald’s launched a very dumb (yet funny) advertising campaign that featured a young man standing over a double cheeseburger and saying…

Yeah, McDonalds wants you to fuck a sandwich.

Quickly after the launch, McDonald’s pulled the banners and said their marketing department misunderstood the term.  Yeah….SUUURE.

There’s plenty of other cases where you might think “Has advertising gone too far?”

Take Andrew Fischer for example. A young, bright 20-year-old website designer from Ohama, Nebraska. He had the brilliant idea to auction off his forehead for a company to advertise on. Which company coughed up the dough?
SnoreStop.

How much did Andrew get for his five-head?

$37,375 for a month.

Not bad, I guess I would probably do that, but there are probably more profitable ways off selling your body…Amirite Ladies?


Yummmm, Grandma’s apple pies…

In closing….Advertising is very important to our society; it provides a means for employment and creates opportunity for new industries to be developed.

Walk away from these blogs knowing that anytime you have to close a pop-up or you have to sit through commercials on the TV or Radio, you’re making someone money.

And also know that I hate the Progressive car insurance chick…

And Ketchup, I hate Ketchup…but more on that later.