Apples and Oranges

I remember when the first iPod came out, they used to be those big ass ones that were roughly the size of a box of Kraft Dinner and usually weighed the size of bag of apples (see what I did there?). The only people I saw owning an iPod were a “select” group of people, and by “select”, I mean the kids with the rich-ass parents.

I never understood why the iPod’s were so much better than my dinky little Samsung mp3 player was, but then I saw 50 Cent in a music video and understood what the appeal was…it was gangsta.

Just like baggy clothes, dew rags, watermelons and the word “fah-sizzle”, this product must have become popular because the African-American community embraced it.

No, I don’t actually think that….the iPod part…the watermelon part is completely true.

I still don’t understand why they became so popular. I know why they ARE popular now, but what made them the monopoly they are today? For a while, they were just there and then, it seemed over-night that they took off like a dude that just snatched your purse. All of a sudden, they were fuckin everywhere and just like any other person on this god-forsaken continent, I felt the need to own the hell out of one.

I first got an iPod that was one of those 8 GB Nano’s. I thought, “This is the best thing ever! They will never be able to top this incredible piece of technology!”


Boy, was I wrong.

Apple has to be one of the most intelligent companies around. They convince the stubborn people of this world that they DO need to spend more and more money on the same product ever 365 days, sometimes even sooner.

I know a guy that I would consider the cheapest guy I know, that will remain nameless. Paul was so cheap that I’m pretty sure unplugs the clocks when he goes to bed. He is an Apple nut, he buys all the shit they put out. He was the only guy that I knew that owned one of those lame ass Mac Air books, or whatever the hell they were called, and also the only guy that defended it’s pointlessness. This proved to me that the world has become apple-dependent.

They say “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But what they actually mean is “An Apple product ever 365th day, keep the hipsters at bay”


Now honestly, it wasn’t that surprising that Steve Jobs passed away, I mean it sucks, but really who didn’t see that coming? Even if you haven’t seen a recent picture of him you must have known that a little while ago he stepped down as Apple CEO. Right there you should have realized “Well, he’s on his way out.”

No body gives up a multi-billion dollar enterprise like that.

I mean I would, if I got all the money. I could do what everyone always wishes they could do….what ever person out there works day-in and day-out so they can one day do.

Absolutely nothing.

I wouldn’t just do nothing, I would do so little that I actually start to deteriorate into a puddle of plasma TV’s and gold bricks.

If I had Steve Jobs’ money, like say some guy calls me and tells me I’m Steve Jobs long-lost son and I have inherited his fortune. Sure my whole life would have been a lie but I would be loaded so who gives a shit.

First, I would buy an elephant and name it Dumbo. Second, develop a trampoline that can withstand 100 people jumping on it. Next, I would pay a 100 people to jump on a giant trampoline with Dumbo.

Chaos….so much fun to watch…

Amirite?

Seriously though I have no idea what I would do if I had that kind of money. Probably go crazy. I mean literally insane, I would go on a money spending tangent which would eventually lead me in a wild car chase, that I would’ve started just to see if the cops could catch me in my pimped out ice cream truck.

Only a man of great integrity and will power could have that kind of money and not have gone crazy. That alone tells me that Steve Jobs was an O.K guy.

Hey Steve Jobs…


You’re ok.


The Jeffersons

When I started to write this blog I realized I would be using the term “old people” more than I should. So I decided to come up with a new name to refer to my elders.

So the new name for old people is “Jenkins” when I refer to men, “Mabel” when it’s a woman and “Jefferson’s” when I’m referring to a group of old people.

 

OK, let’s get started…

First of all, what’s the deal with all the Mable’s being allowed to drive, even though they can’t see over the steering wheel?

 

 

I’ve seen this countless times…earlier in my life (last week) I believed that all Mable’s have the ability to see through certain objects. Much to my dismay; I was told by a reliable source (Discovery channel) that they could NOT in fact see through objects, rather they mostly just guess where they’re driving.

When it comes to driving, I think that all Jefferson’s should have a special demerit system that only applies to them…a three-strike system, much like black people. Each time a cop, or even a citizen, spots a Jenkins or a Mabel performing a very stupid maneuver in their vehicle they issue that Jefferson a strike. This can range anywhere from parking in the middle of 2 spaces, going 20 km on the highway or even having their blinking on for an extended amount of time.

Go ahead and tell me that won’t work!

 

Well, I don’t care what you say.

ANNNNYWAYS…

Has anyone ever got stuck behind an Mabel in line to a bank? Jenkins are much better at dealing with line-ups at Banks, grocery stores etc. but there’s something about a Mabel being at the front of a line that just screams “YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE FOR-FUCKING-EVER, AREN’T YOU?!?”

 

 

This particular Mabel caused my casual trip to the bank into a 20 minute marathon of dirty looks. This Mabel had one of those old debit books, you know the booklets that keep track out your transactions. Does anyone even use those things anymore? No? Everyone has a computer? Thought so…

So this Mabel was going through EVER FUCKING SINGLE TRANSACTION and having the bank teller look up where each one had taken place. Geez Louise!

And you know I have no fucking patience, but the guy in front of me was even more fuming than me. One, because he had been waiting there longer than me but more importantly because when he actually got to the counter the girl couldn’t help him. He needed a 20 changed into dimes but apparently they were out of dimes.

He was red in the face, screaming random shit as he was leaving the bank….

“HOW CAN A BANK BE OUTTA DIMES, I mean I never thought it could…(fades in the fog)”

 

 

There was no fog, but nice touch right?

Ok this seems like a good point to say that I love my Jefferson’s, I mean my grandparents…they’re all pretty badass. My grandmas doesn’t drive often and my grandpa is quite capable of driving a vehicle so I know there’s no one out there getting stuck behind them in traffic or lines etc.

But even after all that, I feel we still need the Jefferson’s of the world. After all, what would this world be without them?

Well, at least without them there wouldn’t be any Viagra.

So there’s that.


Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer…

This world runs on fuel, because frankly, the majority of this world is lazy as hell and need cars to drive them 5 minutes away…myself included. Cars make it possible to get from point A to Point B, and if you had a car in High School, they make it possible to make it from Second to Third Base…jus sayin’.

I recently decided to take my shitty little Neon of the road for the winter, mostly because I would be saving 3oo bucks a month, but also because I hate winter driving.

The top three things I hate the most:

1. Ketchup

2. Winter Driving

3.

I hate winter driving because of the whole warming up the car in the morning, scraping ice off the windshield and not to mention driving with 25% visibility (which is the equivalent to having a fat person sitting in your lap while you’re trying to drive). Oh…and I also don’t like winter driving because of the possibility of skidding out of control and crashing into a ditch, only to get rear-ended by an 18 wheeler…but mostly because of the scraping the windshield part.

Another thing I hate about winter driving, that actually applies to driving year-round, is other drivers. Not just any driver, no I’m talking about the dumbasses that think that they can take 30 minutes to parallel park.

It’s the people who pull up fast as shit to a stop sign then just stop there and wait for you to go (even though they were obviously there first) and then after the initial confusion of why this person has a license…you decide to go for it. Only to see that they had a similar thought and decided to go for it. Then you are stuck in this fuckin intersection, with fuckin idiot and you are just TRYING TO GET HOME FOR LUNCH!

 

yes that happened to me today…

Situations like this happen to me all the time, which lead me to ask myself…is it my fault?

No, nothing is…

So whose fault is it?

I had to get to the bottom of this, I started keeping track of all the stupid drivers I’ve spotted, just to see if there are any reoccurring variables.

After literally HOURS of research and based on really no theory at all I’ve discovered the perfect mathematical equation to what makes a “Bad driver”.

x = gender + (age – race) 2

Not bad, right?

But seriously, why are there still all these bad drivers?

I have always wondered this and only up until a couple of weeks ago, I really had no idea, then it hit me! Well, she almost hit me. It was a woman who pulled off one of the stupidest exit to a parking lot that I’ve since in a while. She just wildly rushed out of the parking lot, forcing me and another car to slam on the brakes.

The car that pulled out was one of those Drivers Ed. cars, so there was a moment where I understood the radical driving, but then when I looked closer I realized there was only one person in the car and she was driving. The girl who drove out of the parking lot not only was a grown woman, but a driver instructor none-the-less!

I didn’t think of this right away, I didn’t think of it when I got out of my car, I didn’t think of it when I was laying in bed BUT THEN…during my MP (Morning Poo) the next day a light bulb went off! I changed the light bulb in my bathroom and then I realized; maybe that’s why there are bad drivers…because there are bad driving instructors!

We need to make the regulations on becoming a driving instructor a little stricter.

 


Now if you belong to the group that says, “it’s because it was a women behind the wheel, that’s why you almost got hit”; how do you figure? I think women drivers are totally safe! Where do you get off saying: “Women drivers should be put through a separate driving program to learn to be a little bit less defensive on the road and a little more re-active? They should learn not to apply make-up and text while behind the wheel. Women should take another drivers test right around age 40, to refresh themselves on how to drive just incase their one of the women that have driven for little over ten years and think they own the road!”

I mean; I just don’t understand where the people who say that kind of stuff get there facts?
Andddd now a totally random selection of funny pictures…Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Video killed the Radio Star

I have a profound love for music. Let’s just say if music was a person; I’d take it out for a nice lobster dinner, take it home and cuddle with it all night…and not even tell it to GTFO the next morning.

The only thing that matches my love for music is my hatred for Ketchup…

I feel that music can be seen in many different lights…

For example when you’ve had the fuckin worse day of your life; you got fired, you’re girlfriend cheated on you with the guy from the burger king commercials and you just realized you stepped in a big pile of shit but when you get home, throw on some (insert favorite band here) and relax, you kind of forget how miserable life can be.

 

Then on the other had music can be your worst enemy, like when you’re driving with a younger sister or nephew and you have to listen to The Wiggles featuring Justin Bieber.

 

Music can also be used as a defensive tactic. I don’t know if any of you have used this method before but it works. After riding public transit for about 3 years, I’ve seen some pretty odd-looking characters. The best way to avoid awkward conversations with these people is to have your headphones in, music up and eyes forward. I’ve seen some of the most awkward of conversation go on right in front of me because some guy didn’t think to bring an iPod with him on the bus. This also works with homeless people on the street asking for booze money.

 

 

Music has changed tremendously over the years. If you listen to some of the classic rock tunes from 3 or 4 decades ago and compare it to the shit that is equally as “popular”, not “good”…”popular”, you’ll find that today’s music fuckin sucks. And I don’t want to be the douchey hipster guy who says stuff like “they were so much better when they weren’t mainstream” or “music is suppose to be vintage” but really, if you compare one of the more popular Canadian rock band today…

 


And compare it to music played from bands at the top of the Canadian charts 30 years ago…

 

You’ll clearly see we’ve dropped our standards.

With all these changes to music they’ve been new types of music being created as old genres of music just aren’t as big as they were 20 years ago, for example…

Dubstep, although very simple (and very strange) music has grown pretty popular where hair metal seems to be only used in comedies referring to the 80’s.

One music corporation that has been successful in consisting selling out to whatever type of music that is popular at that time is MTV.

 

 
MTV recently celebrated 30 years of being on air. That’s 30 years of flip-flopping on what format of music to play every 4 or 5 years, but I guess that’s what it takes to keep with the times. MTV seems to be the trend setters for most other music TV channels, for example; remember when Much Music was good?

Yes, I know that was a long time ago but if you reach into the hazy section in your memory bank, just pass the Pogs and to the left of Captain Planet you’ll find a small little spec of television brilliance that was once Much Music.

But back to MTV, they have evolved into a god-forsaken, bullshit reality TV playing, product placing, teen-pregnancy promoting SUCCUBUS!

 

 
But what do I know; I don’t even watch MTV. All I know is that any group of people who decide giving these assholes a TV shows for 3 consecutive years….

 

deserves to have their corn flakes pissed on.

In honor of a time that has almost been long forgotten, I’ve found a video clip of the first ten minutes of when MTV first launched back on Saturday, August 1st 1981.  Enjoy.

 

 


Smokey Smokerson

They say, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” I say “Where’s there smoke, there’s someone enjoying their lunch break.”

 

 

Smoking is bad. Let me just say that right of the bat. No one should smoke. I feel even the people who do smoke, wish they didn’t and if you’re perfectly content with being a smoker…than bully for you.
Smokers make up roughly a quarter of the nation’s population, which is half of what it used to be half a century ago.

What changed?

Was it because the prices increased?

 


“We want more Money….”

Was it influenced by Smokey the bear?

 

Maybe it was just because they eventually realized its super fucking bad for you.

I wonder why it took so long to make that connection between tobacco and well, death. I mean people have been smoking tobacco for centuries. One of the first records of tobacco use was in the 16th century by the Ottoman Empire in Turkey. So it’s nothing new, but people didn’t recognize it for being bad to your health until just over 50 years ago.

It’s not like the symptoms of smoking are subtle or anything. When you smoke, you can usually see your health dwindling away. Kind of like being fat! You can’t run as far/fast, coughing out gross shit and if you’re so obvious that none of that phased you…you HAD to have noticed its addictive nature.

 

Regardless of why it took so long for people to realize smoking causes health problems; everyone is well aware now. And if you’re a smoker and you’re not aware of this, than that ain’t tobacco you’re smoking…

 

So…just to stress my point; smoking IS bad. I’m not proud to say I’m a smoker, I’m somewhat embarrassed to say I’m a smoker but that’s what I am.

As a smoker I feel like there’s been many laws in the past couple decades to basically shut the smoking population out of many places…which is good! If I was a non-smoker I obviously wouldn’t want other people smoking up a storm in movie theatres and in restaurants etc. So it totally makes sense to have smoking areas and smoking patios because the majority of those “smoking” places are outside, in the open and with plenty of fresh air to dilute the smoke.

Now, this is where shit gets ridiculous!

Not knowing what it’s really like from a non-smoker perspective I may just be talking out my own ass on this but when I first heard about this I was kind of upset.

There’s recently been a push in the Grey and Bruce Counties to pass bylaws to completely restrict smoking at many places where before there was just “smoking areas”. These places include ball diamonds, soccer fields and even bar patios!

What. The. Fuck!

When there’s no smoking indoors, that’s cool. No smoking in cars with kids, that’s definitely cool. No smoking with 15 feet of public door ways, ok that still makes sense I guess.  But now, there’s not even smoking allowed outside!

OUTSIDE!

Where the fuck are we allowed to smoke than?

I mean we either have to find a way to suspend ourselves 50 feet in the air or we have to home, climb under a blanket to smoke up…and that’s just a fire hazard waiting to happen.

What they’re doing is limiting children from seeing older people smoke, because the kids would be then more likely to smoke themselves when they get older. So even though I feel that it’s the kids fucking decision what they do when they get older, I still understand that they just trying to have a healthier population.

BUT…

If that’s the case than let’s not serve beer in public because then the kids could become alcoholics.

Or how bout banning strip clubs and Hooters so that girls don’t have the option of becoming strippers when they grow up?

Ok it sounds like I’m playing the devils advocate here but all I’m saying is that sweeping shit like this under a rug isn’t going to solve anything. How about instead of forcing the smoking population into a dark corner they make parents talk to their kids about smoking and discuss the health issues that stem from it.

That way the kids can make up their own minds.

What do you think?


Miserable ol’ M.E. (Mother Earth)

In no offense to my lady fans, which I’m pretty sure only consists of just Lisa and Janel, I would like to point out that SOME women out there play out their gender to get whatever they want.

These girls are often referred to as Gold-diggers…I call them “resourceful”. At least they know how to work with what god gave ’em.

 

It’s the women who play up their gender to fuck with other people’s shit I dislike.

 For example: the women who complain that they can’t lift as much as the men on the construction site but then turn around and expect to get paid the same amount as the guys  who are doing twice the work as they are.

 

There’s a saying “Women all want equality…until the ships going down”

And keep in mind, I don’t feel this way about the majority of women but just the ones who tend to overact to simple conflicts.

Like this woman…

So, what brought all this hate of mine on?

I’ll tell you why! There was a woman this past weekend that fucked over A LOT of people and can be referred to as an unreasonable, miserable bitch…

Who is she?

Mother Nature!

SFX: *THUNDER*

 

 

Just like all the other disasters that have occurred over the past couple years; like Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Japan, the Manitoba floods and the most recent one from just last weekend…the Goderich Tornado.

Not to mention the so-called “earthquake” that apparently everyone felt except for me. I may have been shaking at that moment and the earthquake counteracted that to make me think I was sitting still…who knows?

ANNNNYWAYS…

I would first like to say that I feel for all the people affected by the tornado. It was a terrible thing to happen to very innocent people. My thoughts are with all the people involved in this horrible situation.

I often think about how I would react if I was caught up in the middle of a tornado.

I would like to think I would be the guy kicking down doors and saving people by bringing them to some kind of storm shelter, but I think I would be more panicked about what’s going to happen to my iPhone 4.

It’s bad, I know, but that goes to show you the bravery of the people who showed up to show their support ; all the emergency response units that risked their lives by going into places the majority of us are too afraid to go.

 

 

Here’s my Jerry Seinfeld moment of the day….What’s the Deal with all this shitty weather?

 

I guess I don’t really follow severe weather trends so I don’t really know what kind of disasters that occurred in the past century but I want to go out on a limb here and say that recently there’s been an increase in shitty weather.

I’ve heard all the theories; it’s 2012, it’s the rapture, it’s global warming, it’s Y2k, it’s the Matrix! Etc etc.

So I want to send a personal note out the Mother Nature; chill the fuck out and try smoking some of that good shit you created.

 


Home Alone 5: Home A-Stoned

Do you know happens when you mix one guy, an abundance of beer and way to much free time? If you guessed ihateketchup.com than you’re absolutely right!

Too bad you don’t win anything!

 

I wonder sometimes if I had a wife and kids or even an active interest in sports that aren’t virtual; if I would have time to write this blog. Would I even have time to do most of the things I enjoy doing?

Like tipping cows or paintballing fat people?

I would totally devote my life to the protection and well-being of my family. But up until that time, fuckin’ RAGE!

 

 

Right now, I’m living for me. Which is kind of nice, but it has its downside…

If you’ve ever lived on your own or been put in a situation when you spend a lot of time on your own; then you know exactly what I mean.

And for the people, who are loved, think of it this way…

Say your playing NHL 11 (yes, I use video games in a lot of my comparisons) and you just dipsy-dangled 2 defense men, broke the goalies ankles and scored a glorious goal.

Then what?

Are you going to high-five yourself?

 

 

Are you going to call your mom up and tell her what you did? She’ll most likely SAY she’s proud of you, like any mom does, but it’s fake…she would probably be actually thinking “When is my son going to give me some fuckin’ grandkids!”

So yes, there are times when you’re alone you have something funny to talk about but no one home…
Man this is one depressing blog…

 

OK. Time to look on the AWESOME side of leaving on your own…

Remember those mornings when you’re trying to sleep in and your roommate/wife/kids/parents were making a bunch of racket?

I don’t.

There’s also the fact that you have to clean up after yourself and ONLY yourself. If you’ve ever lived with roommates that don’t really pick up after themselves then you know it fuckin sucks!


I’m looking at you Evan and Dave…..

(do they even read my blog?)

ANNNNYWAYS

Yes, there is plenty of upsides to living on your own. Eating what ever you want WHENEVER you want, you can listen to you porn as loud as you want, no one judges you for eating fish sticks 3 nights in a row and the best part of all…

YOU CAN SHIT WITH THE DOOR OPEN!


Ahhhhh, it’s quite the life, ain’t it?


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